Thursday, 7 February 2013

It's okay not to be okay..

From Tumblr.

I have wanted to write this for a while now to explain what has been going on in my life the past couple of weeks. Not just to tell you all but so I can get my head a bit clearer by writing it out and trying to deal with it. 

The past few months have been incredibly difficult, if you've been reading for a while or are a twitter follower you may know that my Mum died at the end of October. It's only a few months but I've really not coped well and feel like my hearts been ripped out. We didn't have a typical mum/daughter relationship and she was not overly 'mumsy'. But she was mine and she was the best I could've ever wished for. I cry myself to sleep at night when I realise I have to go through another day without her. I feel numb all the time and in all honesty I think I'm suffering from depression.  

I had a month off Uni because I needed to arrange the funeral and it took time to get the forms you need(because she died suddenly and was young etc). I went back for a week before Christmas but felt out of place so came home early. Everyone said stick Uni out but I couldn't and last week I "interrupted my studies". I need time to decide if its right for me, right now my head is not in the place for studying. I can go back and do my first year from the start in September but I don't know. 

I have a part time job and can work when I want, apart from that I spend every day sitting inside feeling low and watching tv. I'm so sorry for sounding depressive and I don't want people to think bad of me or that I'm attention seeking, but in six months I've lost so much and had bad things repeatedly happen to me and I'm trying to admit to myself that I'm not okay because before I'd convinced myself I was. 

I don't really talk to anybody about how I feel because it's scary to admit it when you feel like this. I don't want to be a burden on anybody else's life.  I've been really worried about posting this but I've learnt everyone has crap in their lives and you should never judge someone because as much as they can seem okay, you never know what they've been through in their life. 

A good thing is I have time to focus on blogging!


  1. Oh Ellie, you poor thing. Sending lots of support your way xx

  2. You must be in such turmoil. I'm so sorry for you lovely, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now.

    Keep your chin up lovely.

    Lola xx

  3. I'm sorry you're so down, hun. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Try and keep your head up, time really is a healer <3

    Laura x

  4. I can absolutely understand every word you just wrote. My mam passed when I was 8, and at the time it didn't really faze me. It took me to when I was about 15 when it finally hit me. You don't realise how hard its going to be when your younger.

    To have gone back to Uni for that week before christmas is something you should be insanely proud of. I could never have gone back and faced people if it happened to me at your age.

    You are absolutely right, it is okay not to be okay. It's okay to feel hard done by, and bitter. I still feel like it some days today.

    I can only assure you that one day you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might take weeks, days, or maybe a year but you will. At 15 I was dreadfully low, but I fought it.

    I can bet both your mum, and everyone around you is already so proud of how you are coping, even though you don't think you are at all. Noticing your down is one of the best signs; you can find ways to cope now.

    It'll be a long journey, and some days you wont be sure you'll make it. But I promise you will.

    Good luck, you can email me at and tweet me @whatmakesrach if you ever need an ear.


  5. I know that you probably don't find things like I'm sorry helpful so I just want to let you know that if you need someone to speak to you can always email me or dm me on twitter x

  6. I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss and my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how horrible you must feel and don't ever feel like this seems attention seeking! If you ever need someone to talk, someone who won't judge because they don't know you I'm here, just drop me a message or tweet anytime! Like the title of your post says, it's okay not to be okay so if writing a post about it helps you then so be it, anything that helps you to deal with it. Hope you'll be alright lovely xxx

  7. I'm awfully sorry for your loss. My father passed away when I was 12 and it's such an indescribable feeling to go through. I think you made the right decision to take a break from university. I was only in high school when my daddy died and that was tough enough, but I think if I had been at university it would have been more difficult. I hope you begin to feel better soon! It will take some time but I am sure you will begin to cope better with it all. Keep your head up pretty! :)

  8. I know everyone will say this but I'm always here to talk. I lost my dad, my best friend, just over 3 years ago and I know how hard it can be. I promise it will be may in the end. I can't promise you won't still burst into tears in the middle of the night but I WILL get easier. Your mum would want you to live your life to the fullest.

  9. i know how tough this has been for you to post, ellie, but you should be so proud of yourself and i know that your Mum is awfully proud too. You've gone about everything in such a mature way from what I see on Twitter, and I think it's right of you to take this time to make sure that you're okay - uni's tough for the best of us, and anyone who doesn't understand your decision clearly doesn't have any idea what you're going through. i can't imagine going through what you have and still be standing after it all, so please never forget that you've done yourself proud and you are stronger on the inside than you will ever give yourself credit for. i know we aren't close, but please know that i'm always here if you need someone to talk to. xxxxx

  10. Saying 'I'm sorry' or 'I know how you feel' won't make you feel better at all, and I know that.

    So instead, I'll just say stay strong, your readers are always here for you, and you are a much braver person than I could ever be in your situation. Keep your chin held high and take it one day at a time, and some more cliches :P

    Infinite amounts of love coming your way <3 <3 <3 <3

  11. Keep smiling, cos things will get better. Your picture is right, it's okay not to be okay sometimes. We all need time to grieve when we loose someone, and I imagine even longer when we loose a parent. Just remember our lives have to be dark sometimes, so we can see the stars.


  12. I really hope you stay strong, and you have so much support everywhere. Time will really help, try to keep happy and think your mum would want you to be happy, although times will be hard you will pull through and you'll come out a stronger person xxxx

  13. Oh honey. I have no idea what to say. But I will keep you in my prayers. God only takes the ones who are dearest to Him first. Remember it's okay to break down once in a while, you are only human, so dont feel like it's wrong for you to feel that way. Try to find someone you know in person to talk to; and if you can't find anyone you'll always have all your blogger friends, including me. :)

    Chin up beautiful, things will get easier. Till then stay strong. xxxxxxxxx

  14. Oh hun, I'm so, SO sorry to hear this. It's one of those things where there's nothing anybody can say, but I really hope that you've got a good support network of friends and family around you, and if you ever feel lonely then there is always Twitter - feel free to Tweet me at any time/
    Just remember that you've been extremely strong already, to get this far. You're right - it IS ok not to be ok, and I would be appalled to see anyone judge anyone else for it. Sending huge hugs your way lovely.
    Mel xxx

  15. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for! It's not a crime to need to let out your feelings, and every single comment on this post shows that. You MUST know that everyone here reading this post does care! As for Uni if you feel your head is elsewhere then there is nothing stopping you from taking yourself out of that situation and taking a year out of education. Focus on yourself and when you feel ready, go back. You're doing so so well to be even opening up like this. I know you may find this all pointless but I just wanted to write to you and try and give you some words of comfort. My email is and my twitter is @hannahmurphy_ , it might be the last thing you want but honestly just drop me a line if you want to talk X

  16. Ellie, first of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you.

    You really, really, must not apologise. Judging by the amount of comments you've received from this shows that you have many people that are here to support you.

    I think you did amazing by even going back to Uni, as I'm sure it won't have been easy for you. You've been so brave and you really should be proud of yourself.

    I also think you should be extra proud of yourself for posting this, and I'm sure you're Mum (and the rest of your family and friends) will be so proud of you. You seem like such a lovely girl.

    I know an endless supply of words won't help make you feel better, but if you ever feel like you want anyone to talk to, you're welcome to email me or tweet me.

    my email is
    and my twitter is @BryDodds

    Keep your head held high gorgeous and remember there's so many people around to support you.

    Bry xxx

  17. Just want to say you're doing so so well, please be kind to yourself...x

  18. You're so brave writing this post & I really admire you for that. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been to lose your Mum. It's so true though, everyone has gone through something that changes them, whether thats big or small and it should be remembered that we do all have a story. Its easy to look at someone and think they're happy but often it can be the complete opposite. Keep strong, keep blogging and remember your Mum will be incredibly proud of you (:
    You might not realise it, but you have so many people here in the blogging community to support you <3 :)

    L x

  19. Its very brave of you writing this, im always here for you hun, it must be hard for you, stay strong and you will get through this in time xxx

  20. Oh Ellie, hun!

    I think you did the right thing regarding uni. And that 'right thing' was listening to yourself. If you were feeling like you weren't putting enough effort in, or it was getting too much and you needed a break, you did the right thing by listening to that and taking time off. Uni will always be there, but you need to look after yourself right now.

    I've lost many people the last few years, and whilst I cannot imagine how you're feeling or how you're coping I want you to know it does get easier. Don't feel bad for being upset - allow yourself to grieve. Death and loss hurt, and there is no time limit.

    I feel like you will be able to get through this and come through a stronger person. You have a really good head on your shoulders. Life is hard, but you have people to support you.

    Thinking of you.

  21. I can't imagine how you feel, I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Thank you for sharing with us, that's very brave.
    I hope you get better soon, losing someone always hard. Try to let someone close to you know how you feel, it will somehow make you feel better.

    Lots of love,

  22. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how hard it must be. Sending lots of love your way and I'm sure you can make it through this when you're ready. xxx

  23. Hi Els, it's Carmella. I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and I'm glad you can be open and admit/accept how awfully low you feel. It's so utterly normal, and you won't feel better for a good long time. The most important thing right now is to get through each day and try surround yourself with people that care about you, whether it's friends, family or professionals like CRUSE. I have been through such a similar situation and now I can look back (2 and a bit years on) at her dying and I miss her and wish she was here but I can think about her without feeling sad. An event like this will change you forever and it's important to recognise that, I always thought it's a testament to how much love was in the relationship that we feel so low losing our mums. If they hadn't have been good to us in whatever big or small way they were, despite the problems they caused, then we wouldn't care, we'd just move on and feel nothing. Keep writing about it, nobody thinks you're depressive or wallowing, everyone just recognises that losing your mother at 18 is one of the hardest things you can go through and I'm sending you all of my thoughts and love and things. You have my number and you can text me any time. Lots of love xxx

  24. the picture with this post is so so true and something we all need to remember. you've been through so much and admitting to yourself and to others that you think you're suffering from depression really is a big step, it sounds so cliche but it is. they say time is a great healer, and while it is in some ways, it will never get rid of the heartache completely. i really would suggest looking into any counselling services near you (from my own personal experience i would say charity/church/private based ones are better than the NHS, but whatever you feel is best for you!) when you feel ready. if you do ever need to talk feel free to drop me an email ( - such a mature address i know!) because I really do know how it feels to feel like you have no one to talk to and don't want to burden other people with your problems.
    sending lots of love through cyber space, everytime i see a tweet or blog or instagram post by you im inspired at how you keep moving forward.
    nicola (@itsneecola) xxxxxx

  25. I can't imagine what you must be going through. You're so brave to write this. Stay strong

  26. Ahh my love I just wanted to give you a hug! I cannot imagine what you must feel, but you are brave for posting about it, and I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you! xoxoxoxo

  27. I can't even figure what to write, I couldn't imagine how you feel but I am so sorry to see you go through so much pain. I suffer from depression, and I know that it's nothing close to how you are feeling but if you want to talk to someone about how you're feeling or just need to blow off steam, I will offer myself up to you. I know sometimes it's easier to speak to a complete and utter stranger. Big hugs to you, and stay strong, you will find your inner strength and fight this one day at a time, and you're Mum will definitely be proud <3

  28. It's hard to know what to add when everyone else has already said everything that I would too. But if I could give you a big hug i would!

    I hope things get easier for you soon, just know that they will get easier and having a moan and a rant and being in a bad mood is totally ok.
    Everyone has levels of shit in their lives and it's always better to talk about it, with people that you're close to and people that you barely know.

    Stay strong and keep busy, that would be my best advice! <3


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